I’ve gained so much weight :( :( :( T_______T
Replaced the headlight of my car. I feel like a beast.
my gf doesn’t read my blog lol
Sometimes I wish my phone had a bottle opener.
Sigh sigh sigh
June 06, 2013 // 2:35 am
This is a pic of me and my mom from May 26th. The past two or three weeks have been pretty hectic. I’ve been through a huge roller coaster of emotions and have been sticking close to family while also finding the time to withdraw from people and current events. I haven’t found the time to write some of my thoughts down but I figured I’d write right now (@ 2:35 am) because I can’t sleep.
On May 14th, I saw supposed to go to work but I called in to take care of some things. After being with the family, they told me to go on with my day and keep myself busy. I prepared for the next day, which was my girlfriend Jennifer’s birthday (Lol Jennifer). She decided to hang out with me at night and I surprised her with a cake and she was really taken aback. It really took her by surprise and she didn’t know how to react hahaha. Mission Accomplished :D
The next day was her actual birthday and I spent the whole day with her :D I also invited her housemates and some of her SJ friends to dinner. It was a semi-surprise but we saw some friends in the parking lot before sitting down + we were seated at an empty table for 15 so of course she would have figure it out lolol.
The next few days I saw my mom everyday. Although I planned Jeng’s birthday, I hadn’t planned what would happen otherwise. I selfishly put stuff aside to make sure Jeng had a nice birthday. There was a lot of conflict within me and I had a lot of emotions to either hold in or let go at the appropriate times. My cousins Marlon, Daniel, Marcus, and Francis came over a lot and I would see different aunts, uncles, great aunts, great uncles, edc. everyday. It was pretty overwhelming. I score a 10 out of 10 on the introvert scale and I tell everyone. I needed time alone but I also needed to be there for my mom emotionally. Although she had all her family around, she still wanted/needed me around; the mirror image of our loss.
The weekend’s services went great. A lot of family visited and although his side of the family is all over the world, we made sure they were informed. My Aunt and Uncle recognized me from almost 5 years ago and they all added me on facebook and all that so we could keep in touch for his sake. I’ve had my moments with everyone and I made sure my mom was okay. It would get really overwhelming though and I would have to find a room for myself sometimes just to take a breather. Family, speeches, prayers, it was all too much.
Memorial day was kind of our bye day. Just a little break from everything because there were no services left on a holiday like that. Again I withdrew to my cave and numbed it out with my time killing activities. Of course my cousins were there but they would participate while we drain our time mindlessly. It was a nice break.
Tuesday was the actual mass and service. Our final goodbyes were had and tears were shed. I look back at the photos and just think about how my mom and I wore sunglasses and how they couldn’t completely mask our emotions. We dealt with it differently and my mom released all her feelings while I held back everything. But still, I am weak. I wasn’t strong enough then, and I wasn’t strong enough now.
After lunch with the whole family, we kind of said our good byes once more. We spent the rest of the day to rest for the next day. It was back to reality for some. For my close family, we gave ourselves more time. My mom’s house was empty and she was growing lonely quickly. I had to cancel plans with some friends (Sorry Jeng, Ivan, Ellyse) to go to Elk Grove with my mom. We went for Marcus’ promotion and to see my cousin Manong Ediboi (mayor of Cabugao, Ilocos Sur in the Philippines, my family holds him really high on a pedastal but I don’t want to write about how that annoys me) before he goes back the Philippines. The time spent there was fun, I got to bond with my cousins and participate in more time killing activities (It’s a lot of League of Legends). in the back of my mind though, I know it’s all to numb our emotions.
When we got back from Elk Grove, I withdrew again. The past few days I’ve just been hanging out with my girlfriend and kind of just brushed everything off. I’ve said good bye to reality for a while and I have to come back soon.
I haven’t worked in two or more weeks. During the week of, they scheduled me cause I thought I could tough it out but I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t there emotionally or mentally. My depression made me irritable and even during happy events, I would find something that would annoy me and my mood would go from 100% happy to 0% in seconds.
I’m testing myself tomorrow, to see if I could work or not. A part of me wants to quit but when I think about the long term, I won’t have any income. I won’t be doing anything in fact. Life just sucks right now and when I get into rock bottom situations like this, I tend to withdraw into my shell and deny reality.
All of my friends have been helping me out and stuff and I really appreciate it but they all want me to face reality and I don’t think I’m ready.
I’ll pray for my family. I’ll pray for my friend Kenneth whom also had an unfortunate year. I’ll pray for myself. I’ll pray for my friends.
My girlfriend bought me Taco Bell. #iminlove